Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
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hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
If you want your kid to repeat doing something then just say “don’t do that!”
New favorite tiktok
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
You: Would you like a keto burger?
My Anaconda: No.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
i like to buy frozen diced onions…gives me extra time to cry about other things while i cook
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
me: you can’t take a joke
joke thief: what
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.