Don’t waste time thinking about what’s wrong with you. Instead, focus on what’s wrong with other people.
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
*bites zombie*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
This is sending me to another galaxy
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I am like a vampire in that I require a specific and obvious invitation to feel like I’m allowed in your home and also because you will definitely regret said invite
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Them: Your children will go from toddler to college grad in the blink of an eye.
Me: *stops blinking entirely to avoid paying for their college*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
Doctor: I’m afraid you have very little time left
Me: oh no
Doctor: my next appointment is here
Me: ohhh jesus I thought
Doctor: he’s gonna help you make a will