@HatfieldAnne: Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
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@abbycohenwl: She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly. He (sigh): Ok It's...your "signature sex move" She: Judgmental Corpse?
@lwhit_the_boss: I hate double standards. If a baby crawls around, it's "adorable," but if I do, I'm "causing a disturbance" and "need to leave"? Whatever.
@hammbone84: If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.