Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
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Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Once upon a time (today) I had to help with pre school homework
Me: -holds up yellow
Me: What color is this?
4: McDonalds
The end
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.