@NicestHippo: Don't worry about choosing between a job you love & one that pays money because you won't be able to find either
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@Playing_Dad: [At job interview] Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job. Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
@Rollmaninoz: [date] Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that's correct
@TaylorVirtue: I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I've been holding this door open for 3 days. Send help.
@PaulFrei: I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.