“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
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I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.