Can’t talk, competitively eating
*sharing nachos with my 17yo son
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I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
Natural selection at its finest
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.