Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
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Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
ouch
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”