Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
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When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
(Musicians.)
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
This woman is my idol. Free her.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Boss: can I get an update
Me: glitches out and fails to install
The Onion called it…again.
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
Wait a minute
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
Terribly Tuesday.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):