Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
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If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
much to think about
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed