Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
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Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
i dont understand how humans can land on the moon but also sometimes a snake gets loose from the zoo like are we good at things or not
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
A Short Story.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
Him: *hands me glass of clear liquid* Is this glass half full or half empty?
Me: Is that water or vodka?
Him: Vodka.
Me: Empty.