@Elifcello: "Don't worry, I'll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends." - Cargo Pants
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@DurtMcHurtt: This guy in my living room must think I'm an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
@ZBH94: *On deathbed* Me: Will someone make that beeping stop? Wife: I GOT IT!!!! *pulls plug* Nurse: You only had to press the mute. Wife: I know.
@juliussharpe: That last phone call with my wife was so boring, I feel like I owe the NSA an apology.