Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
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Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Animal poetry
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
My wife turned on the shower while I was holding our cat and now I have no arms and he’s halfway to Canada.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
I miss those two years in the nineties when instead of using sarcasm we’d just say the opposite of what we were thinking followed by “NOT”
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Wife: I swear, it’s like you never even listen to me!!!
Me: Sounds great, Dear.
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
If I had known I looked this sexy in glasses, I would’ve stopped being able to see a long time ago
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
HILARIOUS DAD: who has two thumbs and can hitchhike going either north or south? This guy!
UNAMUSED MOM: renew the AAA I said. You never know when you’ll need it I said. But noOOooo