Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
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[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
…..pretty much.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
So basically life is cancelled
Except workHow convenient
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.