@heatherlou_: Nice try, private caller. I don't answer the phone if I know you either.

@sheekaxo: Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.

@andyerikson: Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who's giving them medical attention?

@electrolemon: scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer's name. "weighin' in at 182 lbs, 5'9", the ol' black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!"

@onion_an: [at restaurant] Me: "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse" Wife: "I'm the same" Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*