@theshantilly: Don't worry, men. Women can't tell women to calm down either.
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@MommaUnfiltered: I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I'm sure of: A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
@thepunningman: Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts Me: Ask that horse if you don't believe me Interviewer: What horse?
@Crunk_Jews: [first date] Her: I like a guy who gets a little nasty Me: [puts hand sanitizer away] I used a gas station bathroom once
@liz_buckley: People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They're not laughing now because it was ages ago.