@NotJPo: I may be delusional, but at least every single person I've ever met is in love with me

@AGreaterMonster: The first rule of Fight Club is till death do us part.

@BadMikeyBad: My buddy's phone autocorrected "wife" to "wide" and now he's living in my garage.

@panmidwest: [end of long conversation] HER: let me give you my number ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name? HER: ME: HER: k-i-m ME:

@OhNoSheTwitnt: Social media is great. Before Facebook I'd never know what the girl who wrote "dirty Jew" on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.