Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
You Might Also Like
ME: *traps a spider under a glass*
ROOMMATE: Now what?
ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
[aliens making first contact]
Alien: here you go guys, now you won’t need to wear glasses
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
I wonder if Jason Bateman is thinking about me too
The smoothest fall of all time
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.