Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
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my wife came home from church and caught me and Gary trying her jeans on again .
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Moms. The original autocorrect.
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I never understood why people get buried in suits. When I die bury me in my PJ’s. If I’m gonna be sleeping that long I wanna be comfortable.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Babies are undefeated at debate. Their gibberish is too passionate
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED