“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
P Diddy or P Didn’t he?
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
Me: I want to buy a keyboard
Yamaha: yep
Me: … and a guitar
Yamaha: yeah we got you bro
Me: also weird q but do you know where i can find a jet ski?
Yamaha: you’re not gonna believe this
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!