“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Her: You’re a dumpster fire
Me: So you think I’m hot??
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?