Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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My typo game is string.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
My scariest campfire story is about the time I held a flashlight under my chin to tell one and everybody started counting my whiskers…
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.