Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
From my Mom
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
*weighs self after shaving
I saw nothing
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.