“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
Hear me out….
A pub crawl, but to bakeries.
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.