“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Prior authorizations be like:
My doctor: You need this medicine.
Dr to pharmacy: She needs this medicine.
Pharmacy to insurance: Her doctor says she needs this medicine.
Insurance: Does she though? Let’s ask her doctor.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.