“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
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People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
dam girl
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Stop having all the sex, what if we run out
I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.