Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
When he asks for feet pics
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard