Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
You Might Also Like
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Me: *entering my 30th year of employment* I wonder what I’m going to be when I grow up
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Simple enough.
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: Let’s go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let’s go to Chipotle
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Your mom doesn’t understand
Your dad doesn’t understand
Your friends don’t understandBut french fries, french fries understand you
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin