@BatBatshitcrazy: Don't you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven't hithered in years.
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@hazelmotes1: *Watches sad movie* Wife: I like happy endings. Me: me too, but you have to tip more. Wife:... Me: twitter would have liked it.
@AJ_VanFossen: I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven't pooped it out yet, I'm really scared you guys.
@UncleDuke1969: Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.” Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
@JohnsonDiaz21: A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it's sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can't really touch anything.