Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Van Gone
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
ABC family: Halloween Harry Potter marathon
Me: love it
ABC: Christmas Harry Potter marathon
Me: I guess there are some Christmas scenes
ABC: Thanksgiving Harry Potter marathon
Me: that’s an amer-
ABC: national girlfriend day Harry Potter marathon
Me: goddammit
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
The five stages of camping:
1- Denial: “No, we’re not going”
2- Anger: “I hate camping!”
3- Bargaining: “If we stay home I’ll cook waffles”
4- Depression: “Fine. Whatever”
5- Acceptance: “This isn’t so bad. I don’t know why you were complaining”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
MOM: Story time
ME: Yay!
MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”ME: mom?
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*
good morning
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.