Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.