DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
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Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
cw: what did you do at the weekend?
me: friends treated me to a bloated birthday meal
cw: I think you mean belated?
m: *recalling the deep-fried pufferfish* I know exactly what I mean
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.