Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
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You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
Netflix: (every 45 seconds) aRe YoU StiLL wAtcHiNg ???
Netflix when you fall asleep on the couch: *somehow plays 18 episodes in a row*
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
When my wife forgets to fill up the fishtank I lower the ceiling a few inches every day until she remembers.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much