Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
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Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
Wife: That was so nice of you to chop wood for all the neighbors
Me: RANDOM AXE OF KINDNESS
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Gets drunk.
Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.
[two atoms side-to-side on a DNA chain]
“Hi.”
“Hi. U look familiar. Were u on A3564β before it went supernova?”
“Yes.”
“U still owe me $20.”
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.