Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
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[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
Remember, Kids… If you can’t say anything nice, well, it’s probably hilarious and worth getting into trouble over anyway.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐