Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
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Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
What my back needs
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
stop
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[if I acted in real life the way guys do online]
*running up to interrupt 2 guys I don’t know, super out of breath* hey, just wanna let you know that joke you made earlier sucked big time
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them