[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
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“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost