Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
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My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Good morning
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
Absolutely stellar ‘people in the papers pointing at the thing that’s made them angry’ today
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin