Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
You Might Also Like
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
based al yankovic
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Ugh
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
Them: You should try keto
Me:
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?