Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
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If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Saturday
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
I used to weigh eight pounds and could only get around if others carried me, but all it took was one frosted cake a year to change all that.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…