Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.