Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
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The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
if you want to follow me on mastodon it’s really easy, my gimble is chingus. Just type in bibbo into your gumblebox and then when the window pops up select your garpos and dangles and you’re halfway there. It only takes a second.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]