Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
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Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.
Cop: Step out of the vehicle.
Me: Sprite.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.