Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
You Might Also Like
Astronauts wear helmets to hide their tears when they discover the moon isn’t made of cheese.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
The Grapes of Wrath 2: The Raisins of Revenge
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
if I was a witch I’d put really petty spells on people who annoyed me like their bath water will never be quite hot enough, enjoy your slightly mediocre relaxation NOW, Jennifer
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
The Book. The Movie.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Life hack:
When an annoying person ask for your phone number give them you ex’s. That way they’ll ask for you and ruin their day.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.