Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
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my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
Beards are a privilege, not a right
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
No time to exercise? Get the results of a 30 minute workout in only 3 seconds by accidentally stepping on your cat on the stairs in the dark
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Dies laughing
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved