.. do you even science?
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coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
My blood type is coffee.
The struggle is real.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Ain’t no way
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
BABY: *cries*
ME: Get in line, buddy.PUPPY: *cries*
ME: *panicking* OMG, WHAT GREAT TRAGEDY HAS BEFALLEN YOU, MR. NIBBLES?
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.