Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]