Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
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A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
Do the makers of Pringles know how big hands are?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.