@salamingia: Don't you love it when you order salt at McDonald's and you accidentally get some fries!
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@djdarrellripley: Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn't spill a drop. Him: Well, how'd you do that? Me: I kept my mouth shut..
@protolalia: He paid me $150 for the "girlfriend experience," so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
@sickipediabot: My dad put a lot of pressure on me as a child. He used to say stuff like, "You're five years old? When I was your age, I was six"
@trevso_electric: Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?