Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
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*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
You can lead a horse to waterbed, but you can’t make it snuggle.
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
When you tell me to “Go outside and play” you mean go outside & then back inside, then outside, then inside a million times, right?
– kids
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants