Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[on date]
Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.