I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
You got this…
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.