[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
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Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Death: I’m coming for you.
Me: Oh, no thank you, I’m not interested.
Death: Lol, k.
Death: A lot of other people want me to come for them.
Death: You’re not even that hot.
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I always ask for a receipt so I can keep them in my purse for 86 years.
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve