Trains are just sideway elevators.
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*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
She really didn’t have nine lives, just one very stubborn life that wouldn’t go away.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
i really liked this one
(True)
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy