There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
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I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
he’s doing your taxes
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
I’ll start the new year off with my favorite joke from 3rd grade:
Why do gorillas have such big nostrils?
Because they have such big fingers.
Happy New Years, friends. Let’s try to make it to the next one too…