Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
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Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Just saw an Orca shoplifting at Target
Pro tip: Sleep and nap with gloves on, so they can’t unlock your iPhone with your fingerprints.
Looking at his shirt, it’s hardly a surprise.
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
What if I said I wanted it all, right now, with you?
Costco worker: Ma’am, please save some cheese samples for other shoppers.
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
Before Google, people had to go out in the alley and yell “WHAT’S THE NAME OF THE MONKEY FROM ALADDIN?” until they got some answers.
Elon Musk & Grimes agreed to split custody of X Æ A-12 equally so somewhere a judge is trying to calculate X ÆA-12➗2
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building