[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
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i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
That’s not a tweet.
Alcohol: Yes it is.
I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
this makes me so uncomfortable
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.